Body Dysmorphia

Good morning, its 9.17am here and I just finished my exam and I think I did well cause I have a good feeling about it. So yesterday I had my ewa agayin again for lunch (I love that stuff) and then I had whole wheat pasta, egg whites and tomato sauce (stuff that Nigerians call stew). I drank several cups of coffee/tea mixture cause my throat hurts  and I was studying and I DID NOT GET UP TO EAT THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT (yaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy). I actually feel rested but this cold is dulling my game. I have been taking tylenol and bought cough drops and cepacol. I hope this nonsense ends soon. This morning I had a large banana and string cheese (should be close to 200 or 250 calories) before I left the house. I also had my tea/coffee mixture sweetened with splenda. I still havent shopped for my snacks so after class I will be off to trader joes.

Now to the crux of the matter. Body Dysmorphia is an intense hatred or negativity towards ones own body. I believe I have a mild to moderate level of this. You see I dont like my body at this point and I want to change it. I  am perplexed when people tell me that I look good. I often feel like a prisoner trapped in my body. Now don't get me wrong. There are some things that are absolutely fabulous about my body one of which is my skin. See I have never used any skin lightening products and I often glow. Plus I have very minimal acne with my periods and they dissapear after my periods. I love my face. My face has compensated for the issues I have with my body. I dont wear heavy makeup. I don't even use foundation or powder. Once I use my marykay moisturizer I am good to go. Makeup for me is eyeliner, lip gloss or lipstick Shikena (thats it in hausa language). Thats its. I adore these things about myself and I know I got them from my mamamama. Her skin glows and she never uses anything special. To protect my prized face, I use sunscreen daily. Cause I dont want any sunburn.

Neck down is another story. For the past few years I have been experiencing a situation I call "progressive body expansion". I have progressively gone from size 10 to 12 to 14 to 16. Now its 18. YIKES. To top it all I have been trying. I have had a gym membership since 2009 which I have used religiously. I have a bathroom scale that I use almost every morning. I exercise vigorously. I diet yet I progressively put on weight.  There was a time I believed that I was cursed with "Fat Curse". The curse is that you will continue to be fat irrespective of what you do. Now you can guess what these years of frustration has done to my being. Depression and low self esteem. Yeah. Thats the answer. Depression and low self esteem. Imoteda went on to lose significant weight while I have gained 26 pounds between 2009 and now. And it would have been worse. Much worse. Oh much much worse if I was not committed to diet and exercise during my wakeful hours.

Ok, there was this guy I was supposed to marry. The relationship lasted between 2007 and 2009 and damm he was abusive. So so abusive that I had to walk away despite the fact that I deeply love him. He later went on to get married and was involved in domestic violence. So my instincts about him were on target. Well the issue is that during the course of our relationship, he made me so so conscious about he imperfection in my body. He would belittle me. He would complained if I gained one pound. I often felt threatened afraid and unhappy. It was as if his love for me varied inversely with my weight. Less weight, more love.   This must have also fueled my body dysmorphia. I became motivated to lose weight but you know the story. Little success. Yo yo.

I have two sisters and I am the smallest in terms of physical size. So too much pressure from family and friends "not to be fat". I was often told "dont be fat like your sisters". Oftentimes we dont know the impact of our words. Those things haunted me. "You are gaining weight". People dont know the impact. The instantaneous drop in confidence and joy when I hear that statement. The great stress of being put on a pedestal, of unrealistic expectations, of having to measure up. Now I was paying the price for my sisters weight and no one could see it.  Now they meant well. I have no doubt about their motives. But it was all ill advised.  My sisters too did not help matters. They often seemed uninterested in solving the obesity epidemic in the family. I preached until I foamed in the mouth and no one listened. They would often warn me about the dangers of gaining weight while they themselves were gaining weight (What happened to leading my example). Your arms are getting bigger biggerrrrrrrrrr. Sigh.  STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK YOUR BONES AND WORDS CAN SURELY KILL YOU...

Comorbidities of NSRED include depression and anxiety. Two things that I struggle with. In 2007 I was diagnosed with both and was treated with lexapro, trazadone, ambien/.............. Now often times I would deal with these emotions with food. Loneliness would often trigger an eating bout. As a child, I would stay at home and cook and eat when others were not at home. Dysfunctional family dynamics made that a common thing for me to do. So is the diet, bing, diet bing.

I am trapped cause I know the ill effects of obesity. I dont want to die young.
Now with this balloning something significant is lost. I cant be fashionable. You see I LOVE FASHION. Yeah. Yeah. I do. I take pride in my appearance. But how can I be fashionable with this issue. My sister says to make the best of my body size but REally? SEriously. How about a protuberent belly in a little black dress. And the body magic that makes you breathless. I am truly fed up of this madness.

Today I have great insight into my maladies and I am committed to changing it all. I pray I am successful once and for all. I want my body and my self esteem back. This B...............t need to stop.  I want my size 12 body. I want to wear my little black dress. My pumps.  I FREAKING WANT MY BODY BACK.....

Okidoki thats it for now. Today I am going to eat rice. I havent had rice all day. This is this fantasic restaurant that serves the best rotiserrie chicken on the globe. You get a quater chicken, salad, rice , pita bread and garlic sauce all for 5 dollars. They saved my life during my masters program. They are called Chicken Maison. I will go there to enjoy myself cause I am fed up of hating myself. Now I am committed to loving me.


Tommorrow I will share my perspectives on obesity. Lets go there.