OK so tomorrow is thanksgiving and I have so so much to be thankful for. So much. Chief on this list is that I have some control of the madness that has afflicted me all these years. I am now able to deal with the shame, the anxiety and the unhappiness that it has caused me. This is something I am extremely thankful about. Thankful for school, for a job and for the promise of a bright future.
So yesterday I had some tummy ache because I had taken my pain pills without food. (and by the way I am still dealing with my back issue). So I didn't have breakfast until 1030am. Breakfast was an 80 calories greek yogurt with 2 50calories pack of original apple sauce. At 12 noon, I had a pack of 130 calories baked lays potato chips and 3 saltine crackers. I will put that as 200 calories.
At 4pm I was hungry so I dived into my decadent salad of spring mix, shredded coconut, raisen, sliced sweetened almonds and my Nigerian style hummus. Yummylicious. Then I began to crave goat meat pepper soup. Oh my I could even smell it. It was etched deeply into my conciouness. So I stopped at the grocery store and searched for goat meat and al I could find was mutton which is lamb meat. I cooked the meat and then went to my sisters house to take the spices for the pepper soup. My soup was success. Now to the temptation aspect. While at the store my spirit began to crave sweets. Seriously. There is a small sweet section just by the checkout and my roving eyes stopped at a 7 member pack of tootsie roll that went for 50cents and totaled 150 calories. It was automatic. I don't know how it happened. My body just magnetized the tootsie and I ate the whole thing. Then in my fridge my BIL left some sugar wafers and again the automatic movements happened. I found myself eating approximately 300 cals of this. I need help with my sweet tooth and please don't tell me not to eat sweets because YESS I love sweets. I just need help with how to manage sweets. HEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.
Ok. So the foodist in me is thinking up a recipie. You see I have some rotiseerie chicken in the fridge and I bought some avocado yesterday. I am dreaming up a dip of chicken, avocado, maybe some beans and whatever my mind tell me is just right. I will tell you all about it soon. Also coming up is something I call "HOnest Food". Yeah. Too much dishonesty in the world today. We need some truth and I will be exposing a lot of the deception out there today. Ave gatta run now. Its time for clinicals. Wish me well.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Hummus and Ewaagoyin: Two sides of the same coin
There is absolutely nothing as universal as the food we eat. It connects all of us together. Its a thread that connects all mankind, every tribe, every tongue, every race, every color, every peoples. Maybe its our need to eat, or our basic humanness and our common innate need for nutrition. We all eat cause we need to and fundamentally our staples are the same. Rice, corn, wheat, yams, potatoes. What differs is the way we view these foods and the way we eat them and these are determined by our cultures and where we live.
I accurately recall my first meal in the United States. It was Febuary 18th 2004. I had come in on the 16th and spent 2 days in the apartment all alone and waiting for my mother. And she came in and we were famished. Prior to that I had been surviving on tap water, apple juice and bread So our host came to get us and he took us to El pollo loco. It turned out that this was a Mexican restaurant. You can imagine the culture shock and our confusion on what to eat. But as I looked into the menu I saw something very familiar. Something that looked like what I am very used to. Something homely. It was called Spanish rice but it was oh so so similar to my darling Jollof rice. You see no function is complete in Nigeria without jollof rice. As jollof rice is so so central to Nigerian cusine that it is a crime to fumble in its preparation. So, I looked at this contraption called Spanish rice cause it looked familiar to me. I was too hungry to be disappointed. Firstly, the rice was different from what is the norm in Nigeria. Nigerian rice is the parboiled long rice. This was a less starchy, thinner and finner rice. My darling jollof rice is cooked with an intense mix of spices, herbs and tomatoes. This was somewhat anemic in color and lacked the intensity of my darling jollof rice. But it had its own merits too. The flavor was different. The texture was different. But both Nigerian and Spanish rice were distant relatives. Somehow, with movement of peoples the idea behind jollof rice also travelled and was adapted with the ingredients around and the taste pallet of the people. Thus Nigerian Jollof rice and Spanish rice are born of the same ideology. A one pot dish of rice, spices, tomatoes (for coloring) and satisfaction.
Its the same with hummus and Ewaagoyin. You see my sexy ewwaagoyin is a delicacy amongst the yorubas. I remember back then, early in the mornings, the girls with delicately balanced pots would hawk it on the streets. And the street people loved to pair it with agege bread. The mashed beans perfectly complemented the peppery sauce.
You see ewaagoin is made by cooking a special type of beans until it is very soft. Letting it cool and then mash it until you form a semi smooth paste. The sauce is made from palm oil, onions (of a small quantity compared to other Nigerian dishes), hot peppers (popularly called atarodo in Yoruba) cooked until all the fluid in the blended mixture evaporates. Cayanne pepper is added and then seasoning cubes and salt. This dish is served hot with the pepper sauce over the beans.
I came across a strange contraption called hummus in chicken maison. I was an established customer of chicken maison but never had the boldness to try it. One of my resolutions during my food revolution is to try out other foods that I determine to be healthy. So I ordered a side of hummus in Chicken maison because I learnt that it consists chiefly of beans which is a pulse and is low in calories. I began to acquire the taste of it, however my Nigerian pallet was repulsed by some slight tanginess and acidity. Almost like some vinegar was added during the preparation. You see the Nigerian pallet is primarily savory, salt and sweet. Very little of tangy or sour is to be found . So I searched for a hummus recipe and found that lemon juice was the offending agent. Then the food revolutionist in me came alive. Why don't I make hummus Nigerian style????
I set out to do so by boiling some black beans. Then I fried some onions and habanero in a little corn oil. Then pulsed all these together in my magic bullet and afterwards put it in the fridge. It scored a C plus. See it was way too hot as I underestimated the heat in my habanero. Then the consistency was too hard as I did not have a enough fluid during the blending. So I have learnt some lessons and the food revolutionist in me will continue to strive for better results. I will limit the pepper, add some avocado or sour cream, reduce the quantities of onions and then add some olive oil. Wish me well.
I accurately recall my first meal in the United States. It was Febuary 18th 2004. I had come in on the 16th and spent 2 days in the apartment all alone and waiting for my mother. And she came in and we were famished. Prior to that I had been surviving on tap water, apple juice and bread So our host came to get us and he took us to El pollo loco. It turned out that this was a Mexican restaurant. You can imagine the culture shock and our confusion on what to eat. But as I looked into the menu I saw something very familiar. Something that looked like what I am very used to. Something homely. It was called Spanish rice but it was oh so so similar to my darling Jollof rice. You see no function is complete in Nigeria without jollof rice. As jollof rice is so so central to Nigerian cusine that it is a crime to fumble in its preparation. So, I looked at this contraption called Spanish rice cause it looked familiar to me. I was too hungry to be disappointed. Firstly, the rice was different from what is the norm in Nigeria. Nigerian rice is the parboiled long rice. This was a less starchy, thinner and finner rice. My darling jollof rice is cooked with an intense mix of spices, herbs and tomatoes. This was somewhat anemic in color and lacked the intensity of my darling jollof rice. But it had its own merits too. The flavor was different. The texture was different. But both Nigerian and Spanish rice were distant relatives. Somehow, with movement of peoples the idea behind jollof rice also travelled and was adapted with the ingredients around and the taste pallet of the people. Thus Nigerian Jollof rice and Spanish rice are born of the same ideology. A one pot dish of rice, spices, tomatoes (for coloring) and satisfaction.
Its the same with hummus and Ewaagoyin. You see my sexy ewwaagoyin is a delicacy amongst the yorubas. I remember back then, early in the mornings, the girls with delicately balanced pots would hawk it on the streets. And the street people loved to pair it with agege bread. The mashed beans perfectly complemented the peppery sauce.
You see ewaagoin is made by cooking a special type of beans until it is very soft. Letting it cool and then mash it until you form a semi smooth paste. The sauce is made from palm oil, onions (of a small quantity compared to other Nigerian dishes), hot peppers (popularly called atarodo in Yoruba) cooked until all the fluid in the blended mixture evaporates. Cayanne pepper is added and then seasoning cubes and salt. This dish is served hot with the pepper sauce over the beans.
I came across a strange contraption called hummus in chicken maison. I was an established customer of chicken maison but never had the boldness to try it. One of my resolutions during my food revolution is to try out other foods that I determine to be healthy. So I ordered a side of hummus in Chicken maison because I learnt that it consists chiefly of beans which is a pulse and is low in calories. I began to acquire the taste of it, however my Nigerian pallet was repulsed by some slight tanginess and acidity. Almost like some vinegar was added during the preparation. You see the Nigerian pallet is primarily savory, salt and sweet. Very little of tangy or sour is to be found . So I searched for a hummus recipe and found that lemon juice was the offending agent. Then the food revolutionist in me came alive. Why don't I make hummus Nigerian style????
I set out to do so by boiling some black beans. Then I fried some onions and habanero in a little corn oil. Then pulsed all these together in my magic bullet and afterwards put it in the fridge. It scored a C plus. See it was way too hot as I underestimated the heat in my habanero. Then the consistency was too hard as I did not have a enough fluid during the blending. So I have learnt some lessons and the food revolutionist in me will continue to strive for better results. I will limit the pepper, add some avocado or sour cream, reduce the quantities of onions and then add some olive oil. Wish me well.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Film trick or weight loss
Hello my peoples,
Its been about 9 days since I got control over my weird affliction. Ok. So something strange happened to me. I went to bed at 12midnight and slept like a baby. I did not even get up to pee and guess what......... I DID NOT EAT {yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy}.
My back has started to misbehave again and so I could not got to the gym this morning .I am about to write the doctor about my back.
So I woke up and went to the bathroom and voided. You know pee but no poop. And ten I stepped on the scale. 229. Seriously. No it cant bee. Strepped on it again 228.8. Now I don't know what to make of this. it is either film trick or weight loss but either way I don't want to dwell on it. Now I have an obsession with the scale. I weigh my self 100 times a day and I know that this obsession is not healthy so I have decided to weigh my self only once a week and it would be either on sunday morning or on Monday morning. In order to be able to achieve this, I am going to put the scale in a hidden place in the bathroom. You know what they say........ OUT OF SIGHT IS OUT OF MIND.
Now I have decided not to diet again. Dieting is too restrictive and punitive and it actually destroys your metabolism. A friend of mine wanted to sell me a pack of some nonsense called oxidation diet. I bad her farewell. Another friend of mine is doing some stuff called sweedish diet. I have done all that madness in times past and it did not help me. I currently have a months supply of nutrisystem in my closet. You see I have come to understand that diets don't work in the long term(they only lead to the yoyo) and that is why the united states has a very large dieting industry and yet almost 30% of the population is overweight. Something is wrong with this picture. If we spend all these money on diets then we should be underweight. But the contrary is the reality. Hence dieting is not the solution. A reorientation and a new relationship with food, a natural holistic relationship. Like someone once said "Let food be your medicine and let your medicine be your food". Its true. VERY TRUE. I have been killing my self with what I eat and the way I look at food and now ITS ALL ABOUT TO CHANGE. I have decided to practice what I call mindful eating. Eathing healthy foods. Listening to my body and relearning how to eat. More fruits and vegetables, pulses, who grains, seafood, nuts and berries. Those kinds of things. For many years I have battled the fears of fat. I have been oppressed by this strange behavior of mine and now I want peace. That's all I want. Peace and freedom and I am earning my peace and freedom.
So this morning I was not ravenous but was hungry. So I had an 80 calorie pack of greek yogurt at around 8am. At 12 noon I had a super salad with boiled chilled carrots and spring mix and hummus for the dressing and rotisserie chicken. After lunch I was still a bit hungry and so I dashed into 7 eleven and bought babybel cheese (100 cals ) and string cheese 70 cals. I was at clinicals all day and worked super hard. In the evening I was struck with this terrible headache. It might be the cheese or stress or hunger or a combination of all. So I went into panda express. I ordered the combo plate. Half steamed vegetables, half chow mein. Teriyaki chicken without the sauce, and Bejing beef. I estimate the plate to be about 700 calories. And there is the mindful eating principle at play. I had steamed vegetables instead of rice. And the chow mein is loaded with vegetables. The only downside to this meal is that it is greasy and I at it late in the day.
I am about to experiment with black beans hummus Nigerian Style. I boiled some black beans like they do in chipotle (with bay leaves) Mexican barbecue. I will tell you all about it in my next post titled Hummus and Ewa Aggoyin, Two sides of the same coin.
Ok so my phone fell and now I have to order a new one. Otherwise all is well. Its time to go.
Its been about 9 days since I got control over my weird affliction. Ok. So something strange happened to me. I went to bed at 12midnight and slept like a baby. I did not even get up to pee and guess what......... I DID NOT EAT {yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy}.
My back has started to misbehave again and so I could not got to the gym this morning .I am about to write the doctor about my back.
So I woke up and went to the bathroom and voided. You know pee but no poop. And ten I stepped on the scale. 229. Seriously. No it cant bee. Strepped on it again 228.8. Now I don't know what to make of this. it is either film trick or weight loss but either way I don't want to dwell on it. Now I have an obsession with the scale. I weigh my self 100 times a day and I know that this obsession is not healthy so I have decided to weigh my self only once a week and it would be either on sunday morning or on Monday morning. In order to be able to achieve this, I am going to put the scale in a hidden place in the bathroom. You know what they say........ OUT OF SIGHT IS OUT OF MIND.
Now I have decided not to diet again. Dieting is too restrictive and punitive and it actually destroys your metabolism. A friend of mine wanted to sell me a pack of some nonsense called oxidation diet. I bad her farewell. Another friend of mine is doing some stuff called sweedish diet. I have done all that madness in times past and it did not help me. I currently have a months supply of nutrisystem in my closet. You see I have come to understand that diets don't work in the long term(they only lead to the yoyo) and that is why the united states has a very large dieting industry and yet almost 30% of the population is overweight. Something is wrong with this picture. If we spend all these money on diets then we should be underweight. But the contrary is the reality. Hence dieting is not the solution. A reorientation and a new relationship with food, a natural holistic relationship. Like someone once said "Let food be your medicine and let your medicine be your food". Its true. VERY TRUE. I have been killing my self with what I eat and the way I look at food and now ITS ALL ABOUT TO CHANGE. I have decided to practice what I call mindful eating. Eathing healthy foods. Listening to my body and relearning how to eat. More fruits and vegetables, pulses, who grains, seafood, nuts and berries. Those kinds of things. For many years I have battled the fears of fat. I have been oppressed by this strange behavior of mine and now I want peace. That's all I want. Peace and freedom and I am earning my peace and freedom.
So this morning I was not ravenous but was hungry. So I had an 80 calorie pack of greek yogurt at around 8am. At 12 noon I had a super salad with boiled chilled carrots and spring mix and hummus for the dressing and rotisserie chicken. After lunch I was still a bit hungry and so I dashed into 7 eleven and bought babybel cheese (100 cals ) and string cheese 70 cals. I was at clinicals all day and worked super hard. In the evening I was struck with this terrible headache. It might be the cheese or stress or hunger or a combination of all. So I went into panda express. I ordered the combo plate. Half steamed vegetables, half chow mein. Teriyaki chicken without the sauce, and Bejing beef. I estimate the plate to be about 700 calories. And there is the mindful eating principle at play. I had steamed vegetables instead of rice. And the chow mein is loaded with vegetables. The only downside to this meal is that it is greasy and I at it late in the day.
I am about to experiment with black beans hummus Nigerian Style. I boiled some black beans like they do in chipotle (with bay leaves) Mexican barbecue. I will tell you all about it in my next post titled Hummus and Ewa Aggoyin, Two sides of the same coin.
Ok so my phone fell and now I have to order a new one. Otherwise all is well. Its time to go.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
My Perspectives on Obesity
Good evening. Its 7.40pm here and I am chilling. So tonight I had a great day at service. For breakfast I had a cup of greek yogurt that totaled at 90 calories. Then I had string cheese at 50 calories. I had some pita bread I would estimate to be 150 calories and then at 12noon I had a banana. Ok. So that's breakfast. I went to Costco and bought some good stuff and for lunch I had rotisserie chicken and hummus. Nutritionally speaking Hummus is glorified ewa agoyin. I will write a piece ewa aggoyin and humus: two sides of the same coin. Its true. But that's for another time. And dammm I have learnt to make my own hummus. No more wasting money on store bought hummus.
I went to the gym this morning but my back issues hindered me from enjoying my workout. I had to stop at 40 minutes on the elliptical and went for weights. Tommorrow morning I will go with my sister but will try out the stair climber. Hopefully I have a better result with that.
Today I got a bashing. A verbal bashing from my mother. Her complaints is about my grooming and clothes. I used to be a very fashionable person once upon a time but I jettisoned fashion when I gained all these weight. I just don't feel like dressing well and smelling nice anymore and I addressed these issue under the topic body dysmorphia. Well I guess the issue is that she hasn't seen that piece. So I will refer her to it. She really needs to read it. Cause my dysmorphia is from this weight that I cant seem to shake off. Dammm I am tired of this extra weight. I promised her that I will get my hair done tomorrow. She wants me to get a full perm and stop the natural hair movement. I will oblige her. I will perm it. But I want it short. Like super short. Anita baker kinda thingy. But then how will I wear my weave if I cut my hair. We will see. I am searching for the most phenomenal hair stylist I have ever known. Her name is Thelma Hendrix at salon eberechi on slauson. I haven't seen her in ages. I hope I get to see her.
Now to the crux of the matter. Obesity is a disease of imbalance. Obesity itself is not a disease. It is just a symptom. Just like pain. You see pain is the body's notification system. When we have pain our body is telling us that something is wrong. Something is wrong with our being. When we are obese, our body is telling us that we are out of balance. Just like a four legged table that is missing one leg. The missing leg creates an imbalance. If we put the missing leg back then balance is restored.
My mental, emotional and physical legs have been broken for a long time and now I am self aware and taking the necessary steps to heal it. All that night snacking and the inability to stop it affected my ego. My self integrity. My "i am". I often felt helpless to stop and it hindered all my weight loss efforts. I have had control for about 9 days now and I am gradually and slowly healing.
I will have a snack of some meat and watermelon. I am practicalizing my self love by booking an appointment with a massage therapist.
See you soon.
I went to the gym this morning but my back issues hindered me from enjoying my workout. I had to stop at 40 minutes on the elliptical and went for weights. Tommorrow morning I will go with my sister but will try out the stair climber. Hopefully I have a better result with that.
Today I got a bashing. A verbal bashing from my mother. Her complaints is about my grooming and clothes. I used to be a very fashionable person once upon a time but I jettisoned fashion when I gained all these weight. I just don't feel like dressing well and smelling nice anymore and I addressed these issue under the topic body dysmorphia. Well I guess the issue is that she hasn't seen that piece. So I will refer her to it. She really needs to read it. Cause my dysmorphia is from this weight that I cant seem to shake off. Dammm I am tired of this extra weight. I promised her that I will get my hair done tomorrow. She wants me to get a full perm and stop the natural hair movement. I will oblige her. I will perm it. But I want it short. Like super short. Anita baker kinda thingy. But then how will I wear my weave if I cut my hair. We will see. I am searching for the most phenomenal hair stylist I have ever known. Her name is Thelma Hendrix at salon eberechi on slauson. I haven't seen her in ages. I hope I get to see her.
Now to the crux of the matter. Obesity is a disease of imbalance. Obesity itself is not a disease. It is just a symptom. Just like pain. You see pain is the body's notification system. When we have pain our body is telling us that something is wrong. Something is wrong with our being. When we are obese, our body is telling us that we are out of balance. Just like a four legged table that is missing one leg. The missing leg creates an imbalance. If we put the missing leg back then balance is restored.
My mental, emotional and physical legs have been broken for a long time and now I am self aware and taking the necessary steps to heal it. All that night snacking and the inability to stop it affected my ego. My self integrity. My "i am". I often felt helpless to stop and it hindered all my weight loss efforts. I have had control for about 9 days now and I am gradually and slowly healing.
I will have a snack of some meat and watermelon. I am practicalizing my self love by booking an appointment with a massage therapist.
See you soon.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Body Dysmorphia
Good morning, its 9.17am here and I just finished my exam and I think I did well cause I have a good feeling about it. So yesterday I had my ewa agayin again for lunch (I love that stuff) and then I had whole wheat pasta, egg whites and tomato sauce (stuff that Nigerians call stew). I drank several cups of coffee/tea mixture cause my throat hurts and I was studying and I DID NOT GET UP TO EAT THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT (yaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy). I actually feel rested but this cold is dulling my game. I have been taking tylenol and bought cough drops and cepacol. I hope this nonsense ends soon. This morning I had a large banana and string cheese (should be close to 200 or 250 calories) before I left the house. I also had my tea/coffee mixture sweetened with splenda. I still havent shopped for my snacks so after class I will be off to trader joes.
Now to the crux of the matter. Body Dysmorphia is an intense hatred or negativity towards ones own body. I believe I have a mild to moderate level of this. You see I dont like my body at this point and I want to change it. I am perplexed when people tell me that I look good. I often feel like a prisoner trapped in my body. Now don't get me wrong. There are some things that are absolutely fabulous about my body one of which is my skin. See I have never used any skin lightening products and I often glow. Plus I have very minimal acne with my periods and they dissapear after my periods. I love my face. My face has compensated for the issues I have with my body. I dont wear heavy makeup. I don't even use foundation or powder. Once I use my marykay moisturizer I am good to go. Makeup for me is eyeliner, lip gloss or lipstick Shikena (thats it in hausa language). Thats its. I adore these things about myself and I know I got them from my mamamama. Her skin glows and she never uses anything special. To protect my prized face, I use sunscreen daily. Cause I dont want any sunburn.
Neck down is another story. For the past few years I have been experiencing a situation I call "progressive body expansion". I have progressively gone from size 10 to 12 to 14 to 16. Now its 18. YIKES. To top it all I have been trying. I have had a gym membership since 2009 which I have used religiously. I have a bathroom scale that I use almost every morning. I exercise vigorously. I diet yet I progressively put on weight. There was a time I believed that I was cursed with "Fat Curse". The curse is that you will continue to be fat irrespective of what you do. Now you can guess what these years of frustration has done to my being. Depression and low self esteem. Yeah. Thats the answer. Depression and low self esteem. Imoteda went on to lose significant weight while I have gained 26 pounds between 2009 and now. And it would have been worse. Much worse. Oh much much worse if I was not committed to diet and exercise during my wakeful hours.
Ok, there was this guy I was supposed to marry. The relationship lasted between 2007 and 2009 and damm he was abusive. So so abusive that I had to walk away despite the fact that I deeply love him. He later went on to get married and was involved in domestic violence. So my instincts about him were on target. Well the issue is that during the course of our relationship, he made me so so conscious about he imperfection in my body. He would belittle me. He would complained if I gained one pound. I often felt threatened afraid and unhappy. It was as if his love for me varied inversely with my weight. Less weight, more love. This must have also fueled my body dysmorphia. I became motivated to lose weight but you know the story. Little success. Yo yo.
I have two sisters and I am the smallest in terms of physical size. So too much pressure from family and friends "not to be fat". I was often told "dont be fat like your sisters". Oftentimes we dont know the impact of our words. Those things haunted me. "You are gaining weight". People dont know the impact. The instantaneous drop in confidence and joy when I hear that statement. The great stress of being put on a pedestal, of unrealistic expectations, of having to measure up. Now I was paying the price for my sisters weight and no one could see it. Now they meant well. I have no doubt about their motives. But it was all ill advised. My sisters too did not help matters. They often seemed uninterested in solving the obesity epidemic in the family. I preached until I foamed in the mouth and no one listened. They would often warn me about the dangers of gaining weight while they themselves were gaining weight (What happened to leading my example). Your arms are getting bigger biggerrrrrrrrrr. Sigh. STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK YOUR BONES AND WORDS CAN SURELY KILL YOU...
Comorbidities of NSRED include depression and anxiety. Two things that I struggle with. In 2007 I was diagnosed with both and was treated with lexapro, trazadone, ambien/.............. Now often times I would deal with these emotions with food. Loneliness would often trigger an eating bout. As a child, I would stay at home and cook and eat when others were not at home. Dysfunctional family dynamics made that a common thing for me to do. So is the diet, bing, diet bing.
I am trapped cause I know the ill effects of obesity. I dont want to die young.
Now with this balloning something significant is lost. I cant be fashionable. You see I LOVE FASHION. Yeah. Yeah. I do. I take pride in my appearance. But how can I be fashionable with this issue. My sister says to make the best of my body size but REally? SEriously. How about a protuberent belly in a little black dress. And the body magic that makes you breathless. I am truly fed up of this madness.
Today I have great insight into my maladies and I am committed to changing it all. I pray I am successful once and for all. I want my body and my self esteem back. This B...............t need to stop. I want my size 12 body. I want to wear my little black dress. My pumps. I FREAKING WANT MY BODY BACK.....
Okidoki thats it for now. Today I am going to eat rice. I havent had rice all day. This is this fantasic restaurant that serves the best rotiserrie chicken on the globe. You get a quater chicken, salad, rice , pita bread and garlic sauce all for 5 dollars. They saved my life during my masters program. They are called Chicken Maison. I will go there to enjoy myself cause I am fed up of hating myself. Now I am committed to loving me.
Tommorrow I will share my perspectives on obesity. Lets go there.
Now to the crux of the matter. Body Dysmorphia is an intense hatred or negativity towards ones own body. I believe I have a mild to moderate level of this. You see I dont like my body at this point and I want to change it. I am perplexed when people tell me that I look good. I often feel like a prisoner trapped in my body. Now don't get me wrong. There are some things that are absolutely fabulous about my body one of which is my skin. See I have never used any skin lightening products and I often glow. Plus I have very minimal acne with my periods and they dissapear after my periods. I love my face. My face has compensated for the issues I have with my body. I dont wear heavy makeup. I don't even use foundation or powder. Once I use my marykay moisturizer I am good to go. Makeup for me is eyeliner, lip gloss or lipstick Shikena (thats it in hausa language). Thats its. I adore these things about myself and I know I got them from my mamamama. Her skin glows and she never uses anything special. To protect my prized face, I use sunscreen daily. Cause I dont want any sunburn.
Neck down is another story. For the past few years I have been experiencing a situation I call "progressive body expansion". I have progressively gone from size 10 to 12 to 14 to 16. Now its 18. YIKES. To top it all I have been trying. I have had a gym membership since 2009 which I have used religiously. I have a bathroom scale that I use almost every morning. I exercise vigorously. I diet yet I progressively put on weight. There was a time I believed that I was cursed with "Fat Curse". The curse is that you will continue to be fat irrespective of what you do. Now you can guess what these years of frustration has done to my being. Depression and low self esteem. Yeah. Thats the answer. Depression and low self esteem. Imoteda went on to lose significant weight while I have gained 26 pounds between 2009 and now. And it would have been worse. Much worse. Oh much much worse if I was not committed to diet and exercise during my wakeful hours.
Ok, there was this guy I was supposed to marry. The relationship lasted between 2007 and 2009 and damm he was abusive. So so abusive that I had to walk away despite the fact that I deeply love him. He later went on to get married and was involved in domestic violence. So my instincts about him were on target. Well the issue is that during the course of our relationship, he made me so so conscious about he imperfection in my body. He would belittle me. He would complained if I gained one pound. I often felt threatened afraid and unhappy. It was as if his love for me varied inversely with my weight. Less weight, more love. This must have also fueled my body dysmorphia. I became motivated to lose weight but you know the story. Little success. Yo yo.
I have two sisters and I am the smallest in terms of physical size. So too much pressure from family and friends "not to be fat". I was often told "dont be fat like your sisters". Oftentimes we dont know the impact of our words. Those things haunted me. "You are gaining weight". People dont know the impact. The instantaneous drop in confidence and joy when I hear that statement. The great stress of being put on a pedestal, of unrealistic expectations, of having to measure up. Now I was paying the price for my sisters weight and no one could see it. Now they meant well. I have no doubt about their motives. But it was all ill advised. My sisters too did not help matters. They often seemed uninterested in solving the obesity epidemic in the family. I preached until I foamed in the mouth and no one listened. They would often warn me about the dangers of gaining weight while they themselves were gaining weight (What happened to leading my example). Your arms are getting bigger biggerrrrrrrrrr. Sigh. STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK YOUR BONES AND WORDS CAN SURELY KILL YOU...
Comorbidities of NSRED include depression and anxiety. Two things that I struggle with. In 2007 I was diagnosed with both and was treated with lexapro, trazadone, ambien/.............. Now often times I would deal with these emotions with food. Loneliness would often trigger an eating bout. As a child, I would stay at home and cook and eat when others were not at home. Dysfunctional family dynamics made that a common thing for me to do. So is the diet, bing, diet bing.
I am trapped cause I know the ill effects of obesity. I dont want to die young.
Now with this balloning something significant is lost. I cant be fashionable. You see I LOVE FASHION. Yeah. Yeah. I do. I take pride in my appearance. But how can I be fashionable with this issue. My sister says to make the best of my body size but REally? SEriously. How about a protuberent belly in a little black dress. And the body magic that makes you breathless. I am truly fed up of this madness.
Today I have great insight into my maladies and I am committed to changing it all. I pray I am successful once and for all. I want my body and my self esteem back. This B...............t need to stop. I want my size 12 body. I want to wear my little black dress. My pumps. I FREAKING WANT MY BODY BACK.....
Okidoki thats it for now. Today I am going to eat rice. I havent had rice all day. This is this fantasic restaurant that serves the best rotiserrie chicken on the globe. You get a quater chicken, salad, rice , pita bread and garlic sauce all for 5 dollars. They saved my life during my masters program. They are called Chicken Maison. I will go there to enjoy myself cause I am fed up of hating myself. Now I am committed to loving me.
Tommorrow I will share my perspectives on obesity. Lets go there.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Mindful Eating
Good morning to me,
So yay. Today marks a milestone. It is 7 days since I started Lamictal Lamotrigne. The medication that has helped me with my strange disorder. Its been seven days since I have some control of this madness. Last night was also a significant one cause I made the leap from 25mg to 50mg of Lamictal and I slept well although I went to sleep at 12midnight. I woke up twice (not to eat YAYYYYYYYY) but to cough and spit out. Seems I am coming coming down with an upper respiratory infection (URI) and I believe that my lovely adorable niece gave it to me. So I woke up at 8 am and had to run errands. I didn't groom and left the house that way.
So I got hungry during my runz and you know what that means. TEMPTATION. Now, it is important to know that research has proven that we eat consume significantly more calories when we eat out. Reasons vary. Larger portions, underestimation of what we are eating and so on. I dashed into 7 eleven and went straight to my guilty pleasure (Chicken wings). I also bought a cup of cappacino but then I made it half coffee and half cappacino. After I had paid for it, I realized what I had just done. I had purchased something that is quite unhealthy (because chicken wings have a lot of fat as poultry store fat under the skin). What do I do? Do I return the purchase (I guess not as it wont be accepted), Do I throw out my purchase (Throw away 7 dollars, are you serious?). So what do I do.?
I opted to peel the skin off the chicken wings and eat the flesh. This way I had just made it lean meat. Nutritionally, I had taken the wings from blah to fab (YEAH, THATS WHAT AM TALKING ABOUT). Animal fat (like that found in chicken wings) is bad fat. The only exception is fish fat which is high in omega fatty acids. So this is the lesson on mindful eating. You cannot always avoid the landmines, but you can learn to navigate them. You cannot stop eating out, but you can make better choices by understanding the basic laws of nutrition. Its 1152 AM and I just had one boiled egg and I am having another cup of coffee/tea mixture. There is a sexy looking bosch pear and I will eat it if I get hungry.
Last night I had to share my salad with my sister (and it was absolutely yummy) but I enjoyed two servings of ewa agoyin ( a Nigerian dish of mashed black eyed peas and pepper sauce) and it was yummmylicious. You know mindful eating is about eating right and loving it. When you know you are eating right you can savor the food and relish its flavor.
Ok. So now its back to studying. I need to study my Obstetrics and gynecology. Am covering birth control and infertility. So that's it for now. Am off to study. Wish me well.
Ciao
Ozybaby
So yay. Today marks a milestone. It is 7 days since I started Lamictal Lamotrigne. The medication that has helped me with my strange disorder. Its been seven days since I have some control of this madness. Last night was also a significant one cause I made the leap from 25mg to 50mg of Lamictal and I slept well although I went to sleep at 12midnight. I woke up twice (not to eat YAYYYYYYYY) but to cough and spit out. Seems I am coming coming down with an upper respiratory infection (URI) and I believe that my lovely adorable niece gave it to me. So I woke up at 8 am and had to run errands. I didn't groom and left the house that way.
So I got hungry during my runz and you know what that means. TEMPTATION. Now, it is important to know that research has proven that we eat consume significantly more calories when we eat out. Reasons vary. Larger portions, underestimation of what we are eating and so on. I dashed into 7 eleven and went straight to my guilty pleasure (Chicken wings). I also bought a cup of cappacino but then I made it half coffee and half cappacino. After I had paid for it, I realized what I had just done. I had purchased something that is quite unhealthy (because chicken wings have a lot of fat as poultry store fat under the skin). What do I do? Do I return the purchase (I guess not as it wont be accepted), Do I throw out my purchase (Throw away 7 dollars, are you serious?). So what do I do.?
I opted to peel the skin off the chicken wings and eat the flesh. This way I had just made it lean meat. Nutritionally, I had taken the wings from blah to fab (YEAH, THATS WHAT AM TALKING ABOUT). Animal fat (like that found in chicken wings) is bad fat. The only exception is fish fat which is high in omega fatty acids. So this is the lesson on mindful eating. You cannot always avoid the landmines, but you can learn to navigate them. You cannot stop eating out, but you can make better choices by understanding the basic laws of nutrition. Its 1152 AM and I just had one boiled egg and I am having another cup of coffee/tea mixture. There is a sexy looking bosch pear and I will eat it if I get hungry.
Last night I had to share my salad with my sister (and it was absolutely yummy) but I enjoyed two servings of ewa agoyin ( a Nigerian dish of mashed black eyed peas and pepper sauce) and it was yummmylicious. You know mindful eating is about eating right and loving it. When you know you are eating right you can savor the food and relish its flavor.
Ok. So now its back to studying. I need to study my Obstetrics and gynecology. Am covering birth control and infertility. So that's it for now. Am off to study. Wish me well.
Ciao
Ozybaby
Thursday, November 20, 2014
The Down Side of Fiberliciousness
Every Advantage has its Tax.
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
You might be wondering why I am writing this. Well let me tell you. Its about 7pm and I am in class. Just finished the peds exam. Ok. So After the African/Nigerian kinda breakfast of wholegrain pasta, with chicken breast and tomato sauce, I had a mashed banana with powdered milk and splenda for sweetness. Its is important I have an Africana breakfast cause these days I wake up RAVENOUS. Yes I am super hungry in the morning. So I just have to eat like this. So during my study time, I had a large apple with peanut butter, a pear and sparkling water. Just before the test, I had 1 baked lays single serving pack (I believe this is about 130 calories0 and then one starbucks double shot expressoo whatever. ( I believe it was 130 calories). I purchased a crab salad, and oh my, I just cant wait to eat it.
Ok... Now to the down side of fiberliciousness. Something Terrific happened during my exam. I heard a high pitched musical note 5 seconds in duration while writing the exam. I tried to figure out where this was coming from and then realized it was coming from my rectum. It was soon followed by a very nasty smell. Oh my. I just farted during the exam. I feel so so sorry for the poor ones who sit beside me to the left and to the night. Yesterday at work, I experienced the same thing. I farted the day away. Also I had two large bowel episodes.
You see I wasn't like this last week and I believe I know why this is happening. You see with our diet, we decided the balance of bacteria that reside in our guts. More fruits and vegetable makes more gas forming bacteria resident in our colon. I remember an old room mate who is the strictest vegetarian I have known till date. Mehnnnnnn. She could fart and it was the nastiest smelly ones. And they weren't silent either. They always sounded like a bomb had exploded. She would welcome me to the room with fart ridden air. I wonder how it was in premodal times. You know our ancestors who ate mostly meat, grains, fruits and vegetables and nothing processed. LOL. It would be interesting to know their farting statistics compared to ours today. I predict that their gut microbiota was definitely different from mine today considering the differences in diet.
Now I don't want to become a chronic fart producer. I don't want to stink up every place. I need to find a solution. So two things come to mind. One is the time tested and trusted mint gum and sweets. Those I know work but might be too mild for my new GI activity. So I will try Beano. I try to find the active ingredient cause I need to find out what I am putting into my body and it turns out to be Alpha-galactosidase enzyme 300 GALU† (derived from Aspergillus niger) - See more at: http://www.beanogas.com/prevent-gas/beano-tablets/#sthash.tkrNvClt.dpuf . Aspergillus niger seems to be a fungus and the active ingredient is just a product from the fungus and not the whole fungus so I am not too worried.
Ok its times to go. I wont be able to go to trader joes today because I am sleepy from all the study but I will go tomorrow. Please wish me well
Wellness is a choice so take charge of your health.
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
You might be wondering why I am writing this. Well let me tell you. Its about 7pm and I am in class. Just finished the peds exam. Ok. So After the African/Nigerian kinda breakfast of wholegrain pasta, with chicken breast and tomato sauce, I had a mashed banana with powdered milk and splenda for sweetness. Its is important I have an Africana breakfast cause these days I wake up RAVENOUS. Yes I am super hungry in the morning. So I just have to eat like this. So during my study time, I had a large apple with peanut butter, a pear and sparkling water. Just before the test, I had 1 baked lays single serving pack (I believe this is about 130 calories0 and then one starbucks double shot expressoo whatever. ( I believe it was 130 calories). I purchased a crab salad, and oh my, I just cant wait to eat it.
Ok... Now to the down side of fiberliciousness. Something Terrific happened during my exam. I heard a high pitched musical note 5 seconds in duration while writing the exam. I tried to figure out where this was coming from and then realized it was coming from my rectum. It was soon followed by a very nasty smell. Oh my. I just farted during the exam. I feel so so sorry for the poor ones who sit beside me to the left and to the night. Yesterday at work, I experienced the same thing. I farted the day away. Also I had two large bowel episodes.
You see I wasn't like this last week and I believe I know why this is happening. You see with our diet, we decided the balance of bacteria that reside in our guts. More fruits and vegetable makes more gas forming bacteria resident in our colon. I remember an old room mate who is the strictest vegetarian I have known till date. Mehnnnnnn. She could fart and it was the nastiest smelly ones. And they weren't silent either. They always sounded like a bomb had exploded. She would welcome me to the room with fart ridden air. I wonder how it was in premodal times. You know our ancestors who ate mostly meat, grains, fruits and vegetables and nothing processed. LOL. It would be interesting to know their farting statistics compared to ours today. I predict that their gut microbiota was definitely different from mine today considering the differences in diet.
Now I don't want to become a chronic fart producer. I don't want to stink up every place. I need to find a solution. So two things come to mind. One is the time tested and trusted mint gum and sweets. Those I know work but might be too mild for my new GI activity. So I will try Beano. I try to find the active ingredient cause I need to find out what I am putting into my body and it turns out to be Alpha-galactosidase enzyme 300 GALU† (derived from Aspergillus niger) - See more at: http://www.beanogas.com/prevent-gas/beano-tablets/#sthash.tkrNvClt.dpuf . Aspergillus niger seems to be a fungus and the active ingredient is just a product from the fungus and not the whole fungus so I am not too worried.
Ok its times to go. I wont be able to go to trader joes today because I am sleepy from all the study but I will go tomorrow. Please wish me well
Wellness is a choice so take charge of your health.
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